Me
by Oddfrog27
Summary: This is Me. I just wish they would accept it.
1. Acceptance

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush

I clenched my teeth and balled my fists angrily as they finally crossed the line. I'd been feeling sad and self conscious about the little bit of teasing. The playful jabs about how I act were ok at first. But they'd been continuously doing it and it was starting to hurt my feelings.

I can't help the way I am. And they don't even understand that I come off as a player because I don't want any of these girls. They're a cover up for the one I really want. My true, secret girlfriend.

So when they insult, in a teasing way, the one thing that meant the most to me…I finally snap. They tried to act like they were teasing me but I knew they were being a little accusatory. They didn't like the way I treated other girls and neither did I. But couldn't they see that this time was different? That I really cared about what I was doing and who I was doing it for?

I set up an area in the apartment all nice and romantic like and they have the gall to make fun of me? They don't even think I'm being serious. They can't see what this means to me. And I guess I earned this rep but this is the way she asked me to be. Being this way fends off all the potential love interests; the crazed fans who will do anything to be with me.

She knew I was like this but it was all an act. It was our plan so that nothing and no one could separate us. I wanted this special dinner to be the time I finally introduced her to them. But if they weren't willing to buy that I was truly in love…

It hurt me to see the looks in their eyes. Even Mrs. Knight seemed skeptical. Because they didn't think it was serious enough to be there none of them were attending. They were all taking their own girls out leaving me by myself with the girl of dreams. Who would be complaining right? I shouldn't be but I had asked them to come and I had promised she'd finally get to me them.

How could I explain to her that they wouldn't come? That they didn't believe in us? That no one, not even the tabloids, would believe in us? It was all because of the alias we had created together. The one to cover up that I was really a nice, caring, unselfish, smart guy?

No one really knew that I would drop anything and everything for their needs. No one really knew who I REALLY was. My friends did on some level but not the level I'd need now to get them to stay.

Heck, no one even knew that my so called Cuda products were actually all dumped down the drain and replaced with natural, environmentally safe ingredients. I'm really not vain I promise. All I did and all I am is for her. So we can be together forever.

I was snapped back to reality by the sound of glass dropping. I didn't realize it was my glass that had slipped from my hand until I got a glimpse of the shocked faces in front of me. I knew in that moment I couldn't handle their teasing anymore. It was becoming less and less innocent as they went on and on about it. But at least before they weren't being harsh about it.

Now they were worried about the girl I'd be 'harming'. Mama Knight almost didn't approve. She'd been trying to keep me from dating for the poor girls of the world sakes. I ripped off the offending bowtie around my neck and threw it under my foot before rubbing it into the hard wood floor. It didn't matter now. This date was off.

I hated to tell her that I needed to cancel. It seemed like I was doing that a lot lately. All the interferences in my life it was a wonder we found any time to date. Would she hate me now? Would she think I was avoiding her?

'Thanks for ruining my date guys.' I thought bitterly. I was upset I hadn't even realized the class cut me. I don't know how. Apparently broken glass can fly high. I felt eventually though. The stinging was hard to ignore.

I sighed deeply before trudging to the bathroom listening to the suddenly beautiful sound of glass crunching under my every step. I shot them a look and then I decided angrily that I wouldn't cancel the date. No, I would take her out somewhere worth our time or maybe have dinner at her place. I slammed and locked the bathroom door before letting my emotions take over.

I wouldn't take crap from them anymore. It may have been all in good fun before but some things just don't need to be said. I just wish they'd believe in the new me.

~The End~


	2. Accusations

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush

"James! Please come out!"

"We're Sorry!"

"Can you really blame us for coming to that conclusion buddy?"

I sighed as I listened to my friends trying to coax me out of the bathroom. I knew they were right but that still didn't stop me from feeling hurt. They hadn't given me or her a chance. Ok, so technically they'd given me thousands of chances but unique things do happen.

I stared into the mirror but for once I didn't feel like styling my hair. I thought it was fine the way it was. She didn't need to be impressed. She loved me for who I was.

She also didn't like running her hands through my hair when it had nothing but sticky, icky products in it. I had to admit that it would be a quick turn off for me too. With a determined sigh I opened the door.

Step one to convincing my friends I was serious about this girl would be to do the unexpected. "I'll clean up the glass." I promised Mrs. Knight as soon as I saw her.

She stood behind my friends with a troubled expression on her face. "No, that's quite alright. I've already taken care of it. James…are you ok honey?"

Am I ok? Was she serious? After all those accusations who would be ok?

"Yeah…I'm fine." I said in his most convincing voice. You can't be an actor if you can't even convince your family that you're fine.

"Stop lying." 5 voices snapped. Well, I could cross that off my career list. "I am fine. Of course I'm still hurt that you won't believe me about my girlfriend but other than that…I'm fine."

I stepped around them and grabbed my favorite white jacket. I looked at it for a minute before deciding I wanted to dress in something more casual. I knew that's how she would be dressed. No need to clash.

When I walked out of my shared bedroom I picked the jacket back up and headed for the door. "I'll be back." I called over my shoulder. "Not sure when but I promise it won't be too late."

"James!" Mrs. Knight's voice halted me in my tracks. "Are you sure you're ok? I don't really think I want you going out tonight."

"B-but I have to go! She's waiting on me and I can't disappoint her again. She's already upset you don't think she's worthy enough to meet."

"We didn't say that!" Kendall snapped.

"I know!" I snapped back.

"James, I said no. Stay home and take a breather. You're too angry to be going anywhere."

I stilled. Did she think I was stupid? "I know the real reason you don't want me to go out. You still don't trust me! Why is this girl any different from the rest you've allowed me to go out with? Why are you stopping me all of a sudden?"

"So you admit she's just like every other girl? Are you going to break her heart?" Logan questioned.

"I'm not admitting anything! I just want to know why you all of a sudden act like you care about them more than me!"

"We didn't say that!"

"Same way I didn't say she's like the rest! She's special!"

"How do you know?" Mrs. Knight questioned.

"I just do ok! I can't believe you tried to use your fake concern to keep me here! You were only really concerned about the poor girl who probably thinks I'm standing her up now because I'm late! Was that you're real plan? Keep me here tonight or even just long enough to make her think I no longer wanted her? Are you trying to prove to her I might break her heart? Which I won't!" I added as an afterthought.

"Are you staging this? Are you purposefully causing me to break her heart to prove to yourselves that I'm a heartbreaker? You just want to be right, right?"

"James! We're not doing any of that!" Carlos protested.

"Then let me leave!"

"I said no James!" Mrs. Knight said firmly. "Don't you dare walk out that door."

I glared. Sorry Mama Knight but this is for my dream girl. I can't lose her.

"You may be my guardian but you're not my mother." And with nothing else left to say I stormed out of apartment 2J.


	3. For Us

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

A tall, tan, beautiful woman picked up the phone of her large mansion. It had been ringing for the past hour but she had been too busy to attend to any calls other than those on her personal business line. "Hello?"

"Brooke?"

"This is she."

"Thank goodness. I've been trying to reach you for a while now."

"Why? Is something wrong? Is James ok?"

"He's fine but…"

Jen explained to her friend the situation as of late knowing the other mother wouldn't be happy. "He completely defied my orders by walking out that door. I'm his guardian. He's supposed to listen to me but he didn't."

Brooke was furious. She couldn't believe her son had acted to rudely. She'd raised him better than that! "Figures he'd act like his father when it comes to woman!" She hissed. "And he didn't even get my approval of this girl. He knows how I feel about this!"

"Will you talk to him?"

"Oh…I'll do better than that."

"I'm just afraid he'll break her heart. So many girls have gone around teary eyed and even started nasty rumors about him. I'm starting to believe they aren't rumors."

"The girl will be fine but he won't. Not when I'm through with him."

"No more heartbreak?"

"No more heartbreak."

~Oddfrog~

I quickly raced down the street to the agreed meeting place as I worried over her reaction. Would she be mad? Does she think I stood her up? Will I even find her or did she leave?

That last thought had me hurrying up. If she was on the verge of leaving then maybe I could catch her. Dear lord please don't let me be late.

I looked around for her everywhere. I searched every crevice of the place. But she was nowhere in sight. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt my heart sink it to my stomach. I was too late. And she…was gone.

"And my mighty Diamond shows up at last." A sweet voice behind me spoke. I whirled around as a delighted grin formed upon my face.

"I was scared you left." She smiled. "I couldn't find you anywhere."

"I was just in the girls' bathroom. You know…that one place you're not allowed to look for me?" She giggled causing me to laugh as well.

"You're not usually this way." I commented. "What's up?"

"Feeling a little…different. I don't know why but I am. My friends seem to think this relationship won't last. They think you're a player like half the other guys I've dated."

"Well in all honesty I am."

"But I've asked you to act that way. I created who you are and for that I'm sorry."

"You've known me since we were little. We didn't know what love or dating was but even then you wanted me. And deep down I knew I wanted you. I knew we'd be together forever even when you moved away."

"It was because I was moving that we created the other side of you; the vain side. I wanted to make sure I could keep you to myself forever and the plan has been successful. You love no other. But now your own friends don't think we'll last."

She sighed and even looked a little teary eyed. "Because of me they're mad at you; distrusting of who you really are. We finally decided to tell them the truth about us and they won't even listen. They only think of you as a heartbreaker. Doesn't it hurt?"

"It does but I don't care about what they think right now. I only care about you and after all we've been through…I won't lose you."

She gave a watery smile before I brought her into my embrace. "We'll get through this small obstacle. I promise."

When we pulled apart I smirked. "I remember the whole reason we kept this a secret in the first place was because we were scared Carlos would kill me. When we were finally old enough to date I was already a huge player. In fact, I'm still scared he will kill me if he finds out I'm dating his cousin. He thinks I'm a total slut now. There's no way I'll survive."

"I'm sorry." She said with sorrow deeply laced in her voice.

"Please… don't be. I love you no matter what happens."

"Isn't the motto bro's before ho's?"

"If that motto was true at the moment my friends would be sticking by me and I wouldn't have to worry about dying at the hands of Carlos. Can you believe I just said that? He's a total jokester but he can be serious about men coming near his female family members."

Her smiled was grim. I stopped her before she could apologize again. "You're not the only one apart of this scheme. I entered it knowing the consequences and risks. So please stop apologizing. It's not your fault."

"Ok." She then tilted her head a little in confusion. "What did Carlos do to protect his female family members from men?"

I grimaced. "The last guy who even tried to touch one of his sisters the wrong way ended up with a helmet size welt on his stomach. He broke a few ribs ramming into them like that. The ones who were just trying to flirt ended up running with their tails between their legs in less than a heartbeat."

She gasped. "Oh Carlos." But the last of what I said had her giggling. "Yep, I definitely remember why we're hiding now."

Her expression turned serious in a second flat. "We'll have to tell them sometime though. We can't hide this forever especially now that they seem to be on a mission to break us up."

I agreed even though it pained me. "They trying to prevent my new 'victim' from heartbreak but can't they see that what they're doing might be breaking mine?"

She laid her hand on my arm, since she couldn't quite reach my shoulder, and squeezed reassuringly. "Well get through to them. We will. We have to. For us."

"For us."


	4. Arguments

As soon as I walked in the door after my date I felt I would regret it.

"James Diamond!" My mother's screeching voice reached my ears.

"Mom?" I asked in shock and worry. This would not be good. "What are you doing here?"

"I can't not believe you!" She shouted, storming right up to me. "I thought I raised you to respect your elders!"

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Mrs. Knight and the guys. Mrs. Knight flinched at the elder comment. I sighed realizing why my mother was really here.

"I'm not going to stop dating her." I replied flatly. "I know it was rude to walk out like that and childish too but-,"

"No buts! What you did was wrong and I demand you stop dating that girl!"

"No."

The guys gasped.

"What did you just say to me?" My mother hissed.

"No."

"James Diamond-,"

"You're worried about me breaking her heart right?"

Everyone nodded. "Well wouldn't be breaking up with her break her heart?"

No one knew how to respond to that. "I don't want to hurt her. I do really like this girl and I want this relationship to last."

"But James-," Logan started.

"Why won't you understand that I'm serious?" I exclaimed. "I can't even tell you who she is because you won't trust in me! She's upset that you don't even care enough to meet her!"

They at least had the decency to look guilty. "I want to keep her around ok? I'm not being selfish or conceited and I'm not hurting her either. It would be selfish of me to leave her because she wants me around as much as I do her."

"You know that did sound a little bias." Logan noted.

I lightly glared. "So not the point."

Logan smiled sheepishly. It was the first time any of us had been on good terms since earlier. My mom didn't seem to want to give in though.

"You could explain to her why you have to break up. Tell her you're a heartbreaker and a womanizer."

"Why would I ever say that?" I shouted.

"Honesty is good for a relationship."

"Well she already knows so there! She was the one who asked me to act like that. It was all a pretend game for her and for me. It was so we could finally be together when the age was right for dating. The plan worked perfectly. Neither of us loves another."

"You broke all those poor girls' hearts for a plan? How cruel." Carlos commented.

"Hey! Most of them weren't exactly innocent bystanders! I only date horribly trashy girls for a reason."

"Not all of them were horribly trashy." Carlos commented remembering the magazine dating situation.

"I didn't have a choice in those girls remember?" He stopped arguing his point after that.

"James!" My mother snapped. "You may really love this girl but I can't allow your earlier behavior to go unpunished.

"But mom-,"

"I'm taking you home."

"Mom!"

The guys gapped and Mrs. Knight's eyes widened. "Brooke-,"

My mother held her finger up and looked pointedly at Mama Knight. "You called me here because you were upset over the previous events didn't you?"

"Yes but you don't have to take James home."

"How can I trust that something like this won't happen again? Obviously the morals I thought I installed in him don't exist. He'll need my constant supervision. Superstardom is a privilege and one I can no longer allow him to have. This is the consequence to your action."

"Mom…a simple grounding is how you punish something like walking out on another adult not-,"

"Exactly! You did this to another adult which is horribly embarrassing! How do you think this makes me look James? What if you do this to other adults? What if you meet this girls parents and act rudely around them or they think you are a womanizer when they find out about you past dating history?"

"I-,"

"You can't come back until I believe your sense of respect for woman and adults had improved. That is…if I even let you come back at all."

I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. "I already meet her parents." I offered lamely.

My mother glared. "That's not going to change my mind James. Now, pack your stuff."

"You all have." I tried again. Wait…oops. That's too much info.

"We have?" Kendall asked.

"Is this a clue to who it is?" Carlos asked excitedly. They were starting to accept that I did love this girl and I could tell they wanted to meet her.

"Go pack your stuff James."

"No."

My mother was fuming. "What is it with you and that word? You say it to me once and you think you're all big and bad! You never used to say that!"

"Well that was the old me. As I grow older mom I learn new things. What I've learned now is that I cannot allow you to keep pushing me around anymore. I can make my own decisions."

"You're not an adult yet James. I am your mother."

"But taking me back would only push me away from you. And I love you mom. I don't want to lose what we have. If you do this…the second I become an adult I might…leave you forever."

Man I hated this argument. I didn't want to be saying these things. I was disliking every word that left my mouth; every syllable.

"Mom…please?"

She stood still and was thinking about what I said seriously.

"We've been apart ever since were little. She lived in LA originally and I was only reunited with her when we came here. The beginning of our relationship had been strictly on line dating. Now we're finally together; finally able to go somewhere with this relationship. Please don't separate us again."

My mom said nothing.

"If you meet her again I'm sure you'll love her. We were meant for each other. Trust me."

My mom sighed heavily. "Alright fine. But I'll make my final decision after I meet her."

"Yes!" I cheered, fist pumping the air.

My mom gave a tiny smile as I hugged her and swung her around.

"This doesn't mean I won't drag you home. I haven't fully made my decision." She was smiling none the less.

"I feel confident that I know how this will turn out." I promised her.

"So who is this girl?" Kendall asked curiously. Now that he was past the point of worrying for the girl he was being overprotective of me. He'd want to meet her to make sure I'd be and stay ok.

I took a deep breath and replied with, "Carlos' cousin."


	5. My Cousin

Disclaimer: I do not own.

The room got silent as I waited with baited breath for everyone's reactions. Kendall and Logan quickly turned their heads to look at Carlos. I followed with my eyes. It was creepy. My best friend was deathly silent and his facial expression was eerily calm.

"C-Carlos?"

"My…cousin." He said slowly as if he was testing it out on his tongue.

He looked at me seriously and I nodded my head slowly. I wasn't feeling so sure about this anymore. Carlos' eyes closed tightly and he took in deep, short breaths.

"Why her?"

What? He wasn't killing me yet? Oh wait…there's that key word. Yet.

"I'm…I'm not really sure. It just…it just felt so right. I know we were little at the time but she especially thought this plan was worth putting into action. She felt something was going to happen between us when the time was right and we needed to wait for each other. We couldn't be with one another if we were madly in love with someone else so this happened."

"How do you know the two of you aren't forcing love? How do you know it's real?" Logan asked, ever the practical one.

"Nothing has ever felt so right. I love her. I promise." I directed that last part at Carlos. I feared my life but I mostly feared for my relationship with both him and…her.

"Carlos…I'm sorry we never told you but we had to make sure it was true love ourselves. We would never go behind your back on purpose."

"Are you sure you weren't afraid of him killing you when he was more reckless and hott tempered?" Kendall asked.

"Shut up." I lightly said to Kendall. I knew he was only teasing but I didn't want Carlos to get any ideas.

"Why didn't you trust me to help?"

Again…what?

He read my expression and smiled slightly. "Don't you think the guys and I could have helped the two of you figure out whether the love was real or not?"

"Well…well…."

"You were afraid I was going to kill you weren't you?"

I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly.

He chuckled. "Well, to tell you the truth…if it had been a couple years back I definitely would have."

Was that supposed to make me feel better?

"But you're my best friend James and you've been right this whole time. Kendall, Logan, and I need to learn to trust you more. We should be taking your side and not the other girl's side. I know you won't hurt my cousin out of respect for me."

"I wouldn't dream of it. I love her Carlos. I really, really do."

"I'm putting my full trust in you man. Don't make me regret it." He added seriously.

I put my hand up in a salute to him and yelled, "Aye, Aye Captain!"

Carlos rolled his eyes before tackling me to the ground. "Doesn't mean I can't mock hurt you for keeping this secret!" Carlos teased. "My cousin! Seriously!"

"At least it wasn't one of your sisters! Way to young for me anyway!"

"Are you saying you would've gone for it if they were that age?"

"No!"

"Are you saying they're ugly?"

"Carlos!"

He grabbed me in a headlock and ruffled my hair.

"My hair! Carlos stop it!"

"I thought you didn't actually care about your looks."

"Sorry, force of habit."

That was the moment Kendall and Logan got a devious look in their eyes. "Oh no! Stay away from me! Guys!"

"We are so paying you back for all those years! You hogged the bathroom and made us late for nothing!"

"It wasn't for nothing!" I shrieked as they lifted me off the ground. "It was for her."

"Revenge will be ours!" Logan yelled ignoring what I had said.

"Guys!" I chuckled. They threw me onto the couch and then mercilessly tickled me until I cried uncle which didn't happen until I was in tears.

"So…" Kendall started. "When do we get to re-meet the wonderful Ms. Tori Vega.


	6. Who Am I

"Isn't she wonderful?" I sighed as I flopped down onto the couch next to my three buds.

The way Carlos was eyeing me for that comment caused me to blush heavily.

"Sorry bro."

He laughed it off. Despite the fact that things went perfectly I found myself struggling to stay true to myself. I had been acting like the other me for so long…it was hard to be me. I could be the real James Diamond around Tori but I wasn't used to doing so around anyone else.

That was when the horrifying thought finally struck me. Who am I really? Who is the real ME?

"James? Are you alright?" Kendall asked worriedly.

"Huh?" I uttered dumbly.

"You gasped really loudly and you look a little pale. Is everything alright bud?" Logan questioned.

"Y-yeah…everything's fine."

I squirmed uncomfortably at their disbelieving looks. Why wasn't anything I ever said taken seriously?

"I'm fine guys." I said in my most serious voice. "Stop your worrying. You're too young to have worry lines on your foreheads."

"Look at you caring for others." Katie teased as she passed by on her way out. I never got the chance to retort before she was gone just as quickly as she had appeared.

The guys snickered at her comment.

"Oh hush!"

Despite the fun we seemed to be having I was still worried. Was this the real me or was some other version of me the real me? I'd been pretending for so long I don't actually know what's pretend anymore. This can't be happening! How could this be happening?

I blinked in confusion as my vision of the wall was suddenly blocked.

"Why are you all up in my face?" I asked Carlos. My voice cracked due to my surprise of the situation.

Carlos grinned. "How else am I supposed to get your attention when you zone out like that?"

"Zone out like what?"

He shrugged. "Like however you do."

"A lot of help that statement was." I grumbled half heartedly.

"You're too pale James." Logan stated.

My eyes widened at his statement. "Wait! Are you saying I'm losing my perfectly good tan! I've worked too hard to lose it now!"

They stared at me causing me to calm down instantly. Why had I just said that? The real me wasn't supposed to care about his looks obsessively.

Oh no! I can't even keep tabs on how I'm really supposed to be acting. What if by acting vain this whole time I really have come to care about my looks? What if I can't change back? Am I too far gone? Is this considered being bipolar? Because what if I start acting like both me's?

"James! Breathe!" Logan's shouting voice broke through my haze. That was also the moment I realized that I was in fact depriving my lungs of air.

"S-sorry." I croaked. I was mentally cursing myself for freaking out while still around them. Every stupid little thing I did was making them more worried by the second.

I couldn't make anything look anymore suspicious until I figured everything out for myself. I could be worrying over nothing. The last thing I wanted them to do was tell Tori. She didn't deserve to worry either and I didn't want to drag her into this. She would feel responsible.

I also worried they might blame her in the heat of the moment. It wasn't her fault though. I should have stayed true to myself instead of acting it up so well.

"What was that about?" Kendall asked. And despite what I had thought earlier I told him.

"I don't know who I am anymore."


	7. Who I Am

I spaced out after revealing that last tid bit.

"James?" Kendall snapped. "James! What do you mean by that?"

"Why isn't he answering?" Carlos asked in a panic.

Why wasn't I answering? I could hear them perfectly well but I was freaking out. Why? Was I making too big a deal out of nothing?

There were worse situations out there dealing with misplaced identity. People literally forgot who they were due to amnesia. I don't have amnesia. I just fooled myself into believing I was somebody else and now I don't know who the real me is. Is that a legit problem?

A rough shaking of my shoulders snapped me out of all inner thoughts. I blinked up at my friends hoping the terror I was feeling wasn't showing.

"What is wrong James?" Kendall asked, voice more filled with concern now.

"I-I feel like I don't know who I am anymore."

"But you still know your name and everything right?" Logan asked.

I nodded numbly. "Am I really a vain person or a kind hearted one?" I questioned in my frightened child voice.

"I don't know James." Kendall responded. "You're going to have to tell us. We haven't seen the less vain you in a long time. But what I do know is that you've always been kind hearted. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"But I've hurt so many girls. So many that you tried to break me up with the only girl I've truly liked in a long time."

Guilt crossed over their faces and I immediately felt bad.

"No, no, no! This isn't blame for you it's for me. You wouldn't have felt the need to do that if I wasn't so…awful. Who pretends to be such a…jerk."

How could I have acted so heartless? And though I don't blame Tori for anything…how could she have asked me to pose as such a character? I was so wrapped up in the act that I took things too far. If people found out it were all pretend it would be worse than staying narcissistic.

They would hate me for purposefully playing with their emotions; for being a stuck up jerk who was looking out for no one but himself and his girl to be. They would hate Tori too. She played a major part in this. All the people we pretended to like, all the people we hurt just to be together forever…it was a horrible plan made my kids who didn't even really know what love was. But as we grew older we should've stopped. We should've known what the right thing to do was. It should've ended.

If we could make it this far with acting we probably could've have made it even farther with honesty. Much less pain would have been involved. If we were truly meant to be together it would've happened on its own. There is no guarantee with love and you can't force it either.

I know it's truly meant to be and I know we love each other but…we should have gone about it a better way. If only I could see what the other path would've been like. If only I could go back in time and change it all. Then maybe I would know who the real me is.

But then…maybe this was supposed to happen. Your path is molded by your choices or some crap like that. Maybe all of these emotions together is the real me. Kendall was right. Underneath the vain person I was always still caring to those closest to me.

I acted like a terrible actor so Camille could have the pleasure of teaching me. I acted like I didn't get the part so she wouldn't be heartbroken over it. And I even threw away Heather Fox's number for Carlos. I also went way over board on Katie when she wanted to go see the hottest make out movie of the year with Kyle.

I knew I did care…but who said you couldn't care about people and your looks at the same time? Maybe under all the acting it wasn't acting. I was this way because it was meant to be. I was a mesh of both the James characters I thought I was portraying. But they weren't really characters at all where they? It was just ME. How could I have expected the guys to accept the real me if I couldn't so myself? That was all I needed to realize who I was.

Yes what Tori and I did was wrong. Way wrong but the past cannot be changed. And now that we are together I'm looking toward a brighter future. There was still one thing I had to know though.

"How do you not hate me?"

"What?" The guys asked in exasperation.

"How after all I did do you not hate me?"

"You were misguided." Logan finally answered after a while of silent pondering. "You thought it was the only way to be with the girl of your dreams. You were young when it was thought up and since you were young you thought it was right. You grew up thinking it was right. Since no one else knew about it no one could tell you otherwise. And we dealt with your narcissism. It was just a part of you I guess."

"And I think it still will be." I concluded. "I am both the James' I acted as now. I cannot tell them apart because they are both me. We are bonded."

The guys nodded.

"The only reason you ever even knew something was wrong was because someone told you so now." Kendall said. "Had we not discovered the truth you would never have know otherwise."

I sighed heavily. "The words you speak are true."

"Why are you talking like that?" Carlos made a funny face while the rest of us laughed.

"Thanks guys. Now I do know who I really am. I am Me."

"You know that last sentence makes no sense right?" Logan concluded.

I laughed. "Oh Logan. Always so…correct."

"What's so wrong about that?"

"Nothing, nothing." We answered.

"Well guys…Me, Myself, And I have a little more self figuring out to do. Catch you later."

As I walked out of the room I heard Carlos shout, "Have fun on you little find your true self mission."

I stuck out my tongue causing the guys to erupt it laughter. "Maybe he'll start meditating." Kendall joked.

As I chucked something at the back of his head I concluded I was to full of rage to meditate. Maybe that's why I should do it. But I didn't want to look stupid. I mean come on…I'm JAMES FREAKING DIAMOND!

Oh Yeah…this was definitely the real me.


End file.
